Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
