Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
