mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
