shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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