I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
