Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
