he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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