Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
