I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
