Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
