I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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