Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
