I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
