im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
