By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
