Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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