There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
