I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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