There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
