my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You pole danced in your parka.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I am available for nakedness
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
