I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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