i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
