I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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