oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
