How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Please, let me fuck your mom
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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