I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
