my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
