I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
