i think i have two assholes
I wish you could order shots online.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
