i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
wow bdsm is so cute
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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