In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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