we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
