: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just pee around me
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
