mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
