don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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