I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
