I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
