My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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