You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
