you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
