When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just found puke in my bra..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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