Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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