A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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