Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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