So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
