I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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