Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
