everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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