Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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