i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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