yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
