Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
