You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
